I want to write a blog post about how I’ve grown up. I want to tell you all about how I walk around this town now without that awkward nervousness doing my grown up errands like food shopping and going to the bank. I keep telling myself that I’ll never be scared to do anything again because if I can do it in a foreign language at a moment’s notice then why would I not be able to do it in English. How lucky are people that get to do scary stuff in English. In their own language. I can understand now why people wouldn’t ever want to learn another language when it feels like some things just don’t seem to translate.
But I’m a grown up, I can do anything. Isn’t that what children think? When you’re younger you look at *adults* and think they know everything and they can fix every problem. Then you get older and older and wonder when that moment of clarity is going to come. Turns out being grown up is realising that it’s not going to come. I think I’m always going to be a bit scared of stuff; getting older is just getting better at dealing with it. Like when it’s your turn next in the bank queue and you take a deep breath and step forward before starting to speak.
I believe that’s why people develop habits in the way that they speak. That can be excessive swearing or saying ‘erm’ and ‘umm’ or ‘like’ between words. I know someone who says ‘right right’ at the end of just about every sentence. Adults have tells even when they’re not playing poker. I know mine quite well; when I’m stressed or I’m thinking I run my hand over the top of my head. It was one of the ridiculous things I was bullied for in school. (haha I did it after typing that sentence, probably consciously).
From the quotes that I collected as a child, President Roosevelt told me that ‘the only thing to fear is fear itself’, and I guess I’m just not scared of fear any more. I’m going to be scared about stuff, but it’s natural and I can handle it.