This wasn’t something that I was planning on discussing online but after an absolute onslaught of hate comments about my weight (??!!) I decided it was worthwhile revisiting this topic. The pictures above were taken almost 2 years apart – one in 2014 and one about a fortnight ago. They both show me, the same girl. The same girl with the same aptitude for languages and the same friends, still dating the same boy. The same thoughts and feelings. The only difference in the photos is how I look.
The first time I thought about my weight I was 10 years old. I remember searching through my primary school class photo when I was 11 trying to find someone ‘as fat as me’ so I didn’t feel so bad. When I was 12, my school gave me a questionnaire that would be hidden and given back to me at prom. One of the questions was ‘where do you want to be in 6 years’ and I instinctually wrote “I want to be thin”. I was bullied all through high school. When I was 14 I wore sports bras every day because I was told my boobs were ‘saggy’. I was told no one would want to look at them, and I would die a virgin. When I was 16 I starved myself then binged on food when I couldn’t take any more. I fed my sadness with second portions and midnight snacks. My weight went up and down more times than a rollercoaster. I opened the time capsule when I was 18 and I cried because I still hated my body. I went to university and loaded up on cheap alcohol and the calories that came along with it. When I was 19 I stepped on the scales and the numbers told me I was clinically obese. I pulled on my favourite top and it ripped trying to squeeze my body through. At 20 I deleted all of the photos from a holiday because I couldn’t look at myself.
I don’t condone losing weight in an unhealthy way. As you can see, I lost my fat very slowly and I’ve certainly not lost it all yet. For some unknown reason hateful people on my blog have felt the need to tell me in many ‘creative’ ways how fat I am. So I guess I just wanted to share this because I’m in a really confident place with my body image just now. Body confidence isn’t about numbers on scales or clothing sizes, it’s a mental thing too. I’m strong enough to not let these horrible people hurt me by talking about my weight like it’s something that I don’t think about already. All they have done is encourage me to share a story that makes me proud of myself.